shinysparks: (Sexy Alone Time)
shinysparks ([personal profile] shinysparks) wrote in [community profile] bbc_robinhood2013-06-12 05:04 am

Fic: Parley!

Title: Parley!
Author: [personal profile] shinysparks
Prompt: “Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.”
Rating: PG-13
Character/s: Guy, Robs, Archer
Pairing/s: Robin/Isabella (mentioned)
Summary: Guy, Robin and Archer have a little chat while awaiting execution for piracy on the deck of a crusader ship during the Fourth Crusade (in other words, AU.)
Warnings: Crackfic.
Word Count: 1,647
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of this, I just torment the characters for cheap laughs, bla-di-bla-di-bla...
Author's Notes: Basically, this is AU!crack that ignores the existence of 3x12-13. Everyone lives, goes their separate ways and then end up meeting up again during the Fourth Crusade.

This may be a prologue to a longer, future fic. :)


April 1204, somewhere off the coast of Constantinople...

“Well... this seems oddly familiar...” Guy griped as he, Robin and Archer stood on the deck of a rickety old ship, their arms bound with heavy ropes as they shivered in the cold, damp night air. He looked over at Archer, eyeing his baby brother dangerously. “Robin and I come to rescue you from your own idiocy, we all get caught and end up awaiting execution!”
“What?! No!” Archer protested, rolling his eyes. “It is entirely different this time!”
“How so?” Guy spat.
“For starters, the Captain of this ship doesn’t have a wife.” Archer replied with a slight cough. “And I didn’t try to swindle him with a little smoke and sleight of hand. I just engaged him in a little act of piracy.
“Piracy?”
“It’s like robbery, only more fun.”
“That’s a sin.” Guy said, coldly. “Thou shalt not steal, brother.”
“Oh right... you’re a priest now.” Chuckled Archer. “Sorry. I keep forgetting. It’s just so hard to believe...”
“And why is that?” Asked Guy, looking somewhat offended.
“Honestly?” Robin added, smirking. “It might have something to do with the fact all the priests in Nottinghamshire used to run away when they’d see you headed for confession.”
“They said they were busy.” Protested Guy.
“Sure they were.” Robin replied, laughing. “Rumor has it they used to break in all the newly ordained priests on you. The poor bastards never knew what hit them!”
“Every week, too, wasn’t it?” Archer asked, cracking a grin. “He never missed, even though they were all praying he would?”
“Except for those weeks when he was supposed to be sick but was really off trying to kill the King in the Holy Land, of course.”
“Oh right! Now I remember! I heard all the priests got a bit sloshed on sacramental wine the first week he didn’t show - had a big party and everything!”
“I heard the same!” Said Robin, laughing.
“THAT IS NOT TRUE AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS FRIENDLY AND FORGAVE ME AND GAVE ME VERY GOOD ADVICE - WHICH I FOLLOWED...” Guy yelled. “...Eventually.”
“Yeah, only took you a few YEARS.” Robin replied, winking.
“And only after you racked up a body count nearly as high as the Plague." Added Archer, also winking.

Guy sighed heavily.

“Yes. But I've begged for forgiveness every single day since. And I have given the remainder of my years to the Lord." Guy said, “A wise man once said that rumors may travel faster, but they do not stay put as long as truth will. I am proof of that."
“A wise man also said a man who keeps his hand in his pocket feels cocky all day." Archer replied, grinning from ear to ear.

Guy blinked. Robin snorted, bursting out in laughter.

“Speaking of ‘cocky,’ you’re in quite a spirited mood, given that we are about to die.” Said Guy.
“Oh please, they’re just going to make us ‘walk the plank.’” Archer scoffed.
“Walk the plank?”
“Long story short, we’re going for a swim.” Archer replied. “You can swim, can’t you, Father Gizzy-wizzy?”
“Of course I can! And don’t call me that.”
“Sorry, I’m still trying to get used to the idea of you being a priest, my brother. Drab brown robes, the cross around your neck and... that haircut of yours...”
“What about my haircut?” Guy questioned, irritatedly.
“It’s just...” Archer began, sighing. “...You actually had hair the last time we saw you. Long, wavy hair... Now, there’s... nothing.”
“I had no choice but to shave it. It is a requirement of my order.” Guy told him, groaning.
“I thought priests had that wonky looking bald spot on their heads?”
“Not in the east.” Guy said, “On the bright side, it has cured me of my annoying lice problem...”
“Wait, that was you?” Robin spoke up. “Years ago, in the camp... we were all blaming John!”
“Right. Sorry about that.” Guy said, coughing. “I could never get rid of the little buggers. Why do you think the Sheriff kept his hair so short?”
“Lice or no lice, it still looks... I don’t know. Odd.” Archer said. “It makes your ears stick out now. They’re so... pointy. I never noticed before.”

Guy rolled his eyes.

“Oh, like you should talk about anyone’s hair - or lack thereof - given your own looks like it’s been hacked at with a knife by a blind and thoroughly drunken barber.” Guy sniped at Archer.
“Wait. Are you supposed to do that?”
“What?”
“Insult me.”
“I’m a priest, not a saint.” Guy replied. “What am I supposed to do? Lie? Tell you that your hair looks lovely and not like there’s a deranged hedgehog growing out of your head?”
“You know, I think I liked you better when you were the bad guy."

Robin doubled over in laughter, causing Guy to eye him quite evilly. While Guy stared, Archer suddenly reached up awkwardly, his hands still bound, and rubbed the tiny bit of dark fuzz on Guy’s head. The former black knight growled loudly and jerked away.

“WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!” He yelled, trying to slap Archer’s hands away. “STOP THAT!”
“Thought it might be good luck.” Archer shot him a cheeky grin.
“What?!”
“I’ve seen it done on my travels in the Orient.” Explained Archer. “They sometimes rub the belly of the statues of their god, or holy man, or whatever. I thought, seeing as how we might actually run the risk of dying here, it couldn’t hurt.”

Guy leered at his younger brother dangerously.

“I could rub your belly instead.” Archer said, winking.
“You can.” Guy offered, taking a deep, cleansing breath. “If you deeply desire to lose your arm.”
“If you weren’t a priest, I’d take that threat seriously.”
“The bible says ‘thou shalt not do murder,’ not ‘thou shalt not eviscerate a man for inappropriate touching.’

“Right.” Archer replied. He then took his hands and proceeded to tickle Guy's belly.

“GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Guy screamed, trying to slap Archer's hand away. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
“I'm what happens when you mix a Gisborne with a Locksley, remember? Lovely, crazy, wild, free-spirited..."
“...Pain in the arse.” Finished Robin, smirking.
“Yeah, see, Robin knows what I'm talking about. Yours and Isabella's kids are as wild as I am, aren't they Robsy-poo?"

Guy's eyes went huge, and nearly popped out of his skull.

"Oh... right. You never told him that you married Isabella, did you?” Archer said to Robin.

Robin groaned, trying his best to bury his head in his bound hands.

“You... married... my baby sister?" Guy muttered, his left eye twitching dangerously.
“We had a long talk and worked out a few things... decided to start over... one thing led to another and..." Robin tried to explain, “We wanted to tell you. We planned on it. In fact, Isabella was quite determined to crush you with the news - she still hates you, by the way - but, you'd left England by then..."
“You married my baby sister..." Guy said, forcing the words out, his eye still twitching, “You and I... we're... we're..."
“Related.” Smirked Archer. “And don't you dare look embarrassed. Do you know what this is like for me? It was bad enough at the wedding, when that servant of Robin's - Thornton, wasn't it? - asked me if I was with the bride or the groom. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO TELL HIM! I have no idea what this has done to my family tree, but it's a forking mess, I swear."

Guy still stared at Robin, his eye twitching worse than ever, and his lip beginning to wobble out of rage.

“Sorry, Gisborne." Robin said, sighing, “I should've told you before now."
“He forked up." Archer added.
“Brother." Robin cautioned. Archer ignored him.
“He should've told you he was forking our sister."
“Archer!"
“What? He deserves to know the whole forking truth, does he not?"
“OH SHUT THE FORK UP, ARCHER!” Robin yelled. “Great, now I’m doing it, too.”

Robin sighed heavily, watching his baby brother giggle like mad and clearly enjoying things far too much. He then sighed again, and looked towards Guy, who had his eyes closed and his head bowed. His lips moved slightly as he mumbled to himself in Latin.

“Are you praying, Gisborne?” Robin asked.
“Yep.”
“For what?” Questioned Archer, still smiling.
“Strength.” Guy muttered through gritted teeth. “So I do not strangle one or both of you with my bare hands.”
“Just remember what Abel did to Cain. Fratricide’s a nasty business, you know. tsk tsk tsk." Said Archer, grinning.
“Cain killed Abel, you heathen.” Guy grumbled. “Besides, if Abel was anything like you, Cain has my sincerest sympathies.”

Archer then smiled at his elder brother mischievously, as Guy went back to muttering his prayer.

“Hey Guy?” Archer asked, grinning from ear to ear.
“What?” Moaned Guy, pausing his prayer once again.
“Before we die, there's something I need to know." Archer said, smirking at his eldest brother. “Call it a burning question, if you will.”
"What now?”
“That vow of celibacy you took?” Asked Archer, grinning from ear to ear, “That include masturbation, too?”

Guy growled loudly in irritation.

“OI! WASN’T SOMEONE WANTING TO EXECUTE US HERE?” He bellowed toward a group of sailors standing nearby.

“YES, LET’S NOT LEAVE THE RECOVERING HOMICIDIAL MANIAC WHO HASN’T HAD SEX IN NINE YEARS WAITING!” Archer then added. “Well, at least nine years, I should say. You didn’t seem to be getting it on very often before then, either.”

“You know, if I ever decide to break my vows, you are going to be the first one I kill.” Guy spat, staring at Archer wickedly.
“I love you, too, my brother.” Archer said, chuckling. “I love you, too...”
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-12 03:10 pm (UTC)(link)
THIS CRACK IS THE BEST CRACK, YAAAAAY!
lonespark: (Djaq)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-12 03:18 pm (UTC)(link)
And now I want to tell stories about lice.
And draw cartoons about the family tree.

And hope you write the whole fourth season, which will be comedy and possibly have appearances by Marian and Allan as meddling ghosts involved in wacky shenanigans.
Edited 2013-06-12 15:19 (UTC)
jadey36: (Default)

[personal profile] jadey36 2013-06-12 03:43 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL! I love your crackfics. What a great idea, the three of them meeting up in the future and in these circumstances, priceless! I hope you write some more of this; I want to know if they escape walking the plank, or if they don't, how they manage to survive - I'm sure Robs has a plan, or half a plan, and if he doesn't, then Archer's bound to have an inflatable life-raft that he purchased in the Orient in his trouser pocket.
verjulesia: (GoG snerky sexy)

[personal profile] verjulesia 2013-06-14 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, you do the best crack, my sweet. I'm sincerely lamenting all the Guy hotness going to waste as a priest, but finding it interestingly plausible.

Archer is, of course, perfect, and he and Robs ganging up on Guy is priceless. Loved it!