shinysparks: (Behind You!)
shinysparks ([personal profile] shinysparks) wrote in [community profile] bbc_robinhood2013-07-11 04:21 pm

Fic: Low Tide

Title: Low Tide
Author: [personal profile] shinysparks
Prompt: #07; tide
Rating: PG-13 (nudity, mild profanity)
Character/s: Guy, Meg
Pairing/s: Guy/Meg
Summary: Meg tries to get Guy to take a bath, the fourth wall gets fractured and hilarity and nudity ensue.
Warnings: Crack!fluff; Also, AU - Meg doesn't die, Guy doesn't join the gang and they get married.
Word Count: 957
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of this, I just torment the characters for cheap laughs, bla-di-bla-di-bla...
Author's note: Thanks to the lovely [personal profile] thymelady for betaing this! <3

"Off with your clothes, Guy!" Meg yelled, pointing his own sword at his throat.
"Okay... this is getting ridiculous." Guy said, clearly unfazed.
"We've done this before." He said. "I swear it."
"Done what?"
"This whole 'get naked' thing. I have this strange feeling of deja vu... like we've already done this twice before."

Meg stared at him strangely.

"Do you ever sometimes wonder, Meg, if we are really just characters in some story? That we're not even real, just the play things of someone who is really bored and just tormenting us for shits and giggles?"
"Guy?" Meg said, sighing.
"No, hear me out. Sometimes... I feel like I'm not even a real person. Like my life has just been completely scripted by multiple people who never once compared notes. Like, they’re making me say these things right now, and they’re the reason I do and think all of the things I do - even the things that make no sense whatsoever. I mean, why did Robin and I not remember each other when he came home from the Holy Land? We grew up together, for crying out loud!”
“Um... Guy?”
“And I still don’t know why the Sheriff and I ran off to the Holy Land together. That whole asinine plan just came out of nowhere. Even worse: we left mercenaries behind in Nottingham! What were we even thinking?!”
“Guy?” Meg said, facepalming herself with her free hand.
“And in the past two and a half years, I’ve gone from a supposed baby-killer and completely stereotypical bad guy into a victim and sort-of anti-hero and I don’t even know how it happened! It’s like my hair, Meg. It was black a year ago! Now it’s dark brown and it grew out ridiculously fast and inexplicably neat. I did nothing to it, I swear! And did you see my arm? The Sheriff burned my bad-ass wolf tattoo off, and there’s not even a scar from it!”
“GUY!” Meg yelled, hoping to get his attention, “Your crazy is talking again. Shut it up, please?"
“I am not crazy.”
“Every crazy person says that.” Meg said.

Guy opened his mouth to protest, thought for a moment and then closed it. He then crossed his arms, looking annoyed.

“Anyway, going back to the matter at hand...” Meg said, brandishing his sword again, “Your clothes - lose ‘em.”

Guy groaned.

“Why do I have to take a bath again?” He asked, sulking.
“Because you stink like low tide, Guy.” She said. “I had to smell you through the ceremony, but I am NOT smelling you through the honeymoon!”
“I do not stink!” He protested, “I had a perfectly good and moderately awkward bath with Prince John not two months ago!”
“Yes, and in the past two months you’ve been riding around on a smelly horse, romping around in the forest with a lion, ranting, raving, sweating profusely, trying to assassinate royalty and your sister and - my personal favorite - sitting in a filthy jail cell flicking maggots off of bread!”
“Hey, I did that for you, woman!” He growled.
“Yes, and now you can do something else for me.” She said, pointing at the tub with the sword. “Strip, Gisborne.”

Guy turned and stared at the tub behind him, noticing the sprigs of purple flowers sitting on a small table next to it.

“Okay, I’m so not taking a lavender bath.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have self-respect?” He said, cockily raising an eyebrow.
“Well, what about rose petals?”
“No, see... you’re not getting it, Meg.” He said, “Do I look like the type that would take a bath in lavender or rose petals?”
“Ah...” She said, winking playfully and lowering the sword. “Because flowers aren’t manly enough for oh-so-manly Guy, right?”
“Exactly! What about something pine-scented? Or even cedar! That’s manly.”
“Yes, and why not just go outside and have a roll in the hay while you’re at it.” Meg spat, rolling her eyes.
“Roll in the hay?” Guy said, cracking a lop-sided grin. “I thought we were doing that later, Meg.”

Meg groaned.

“Not a euphemism, Guy!” She growled, “And frankly, unless there is a bath in your in your very near future, we’re not going to be rolling anywhere!

Guy narrowed his eyes.

“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’ve been a virgin for what? Twenty-two years?” Meg replied. “I think I can wait a little longer.”

Guy’s mouth dropped open.

“The question is... can you?” She said, smirking evilly at him as she slowly unbuttoned the front of her dress, showing a bit of skin. “Thirty-five years... that’s such a long time to wait...”
“Hey! I’ve had sex before!”
“Allegedly.” She replied, giggling. “But even if you did, it had to be such a LONG time ago. You must be so frustrated and... lonesome. So very, very lonesome...”

Ten seconds later, all of Guy’s clothes were tossed in a messy pile on the floor next to the tub, and he sat in the tub, absentmindedly poking a sprig of lavender that floated in the water with his finger and eyeing Meg grumpily.

“I just want you to know that I hate you, Meg.” He growled.

Meg grinned from ear to ear before pulling off her dress and her shift, causing Guy’s eyes to go wide and his mouth to fall open (again.) Carefully, she stepped into the the tub, lowering herself into the water and situating herself almost in Guy’s lap. Guy’s bottom lip began to wibble furiously.

“I hate you, too, Guy.” She said, cuddling up next to him and eyeing him lovingly. “I hate you, too.”

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