shinysparks: (Sexy Alone Time)
shinysparks ([personal profile] shinysparks) wrote in [community profile] bbc_robinhood2013-06-20 11:45 pm

Fic: The Cake is a Lie

Title: The Cake is a Lie
Author/Artist: [personal profile] shinysparks
Prompt: #4; crumbs
Rating: PG-13 (profanity)
Character/s: Guy of Gisborne, Meg, random priests/monks/nuns, Evil Chicken
Pairing/s: Guy/Meg
Summary: Guy bakes a cake for his and Meg's wedding.
Warnings: Crack!fluff.
Word Count: 1,183
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of this, I just torment the characters for cheap laughs, bla-di-bla-di-bla... Evil Chicken, however, belongs to me. >;)
Author's/Artist's Notes: First time writing Guy/Meg. Wanted to try something different. :D

Guy groaned, slapping a bit of sugary icing onto what was no doubt only a cake in an academic sense. He couldn't quite figure out what had happened to it, as he'd followed the old nun's recipe to the letter. Rather than come out lovely and perfect, his cake (if it could be called that,) had completely sunk in and fell apart, crumbling into... well, crumbles. He'd hoped he might be able to spackle the damned thing back together with the icing, but was having no luck at it.

"Maybe it's the oven." He muttered, grumbling as he eyed the lumpy stone and clay monstrosity he'd built with his own two hands (that admittedly looked half as bad as the cake.) As he spoke, a large chunk of clay and stone fell off the side of the oven and shattered into tiny bits on the floor. Guy sighed.

Deciding that the culinary disaster in front of him was not going to get any better looking, he quickly licked the remaining icing off of the spatula as carefully as he could, making sure none dripped down the front of the clean white linen shirt that he wore. It had taken him forever to get himself properly cleaned up, after all. He’d taken a long, much-needed bath; combed his long, wavy hair and tied it back in a ponytail; put on a clean shirt and a pair of dark brown pants; and had even made it a point to shine his boots. It was all necessary, of course. After all, it wasn’t every day a man got married.

Of course, the wedding itself had been disastrous. It had rained cats and dogs that morning and thundered so loudly throughout the ceremony that he’d had to scream his vows at both the priest and his bride, repeating them at least three times due to all of the interruptions. The storm seemed to get worse and worse as they went on, causing one of the monks to question whether or not they should be married.

“It’s a clear sign from the almighty, I think.” The monk had said, rolling his eyes.
“Oi! Shut up!” Guy had yelled at him. “Nobody asked you!”
“Hey, aren’t you an outlaw?” Another one of monks had called to him. “I saw your face on a wanted poster. Huge reward.”
“No. That’s my twin brother’s wanted poster. His name is ‘Guy’ as well.” Guy said, causing one of the elderly nuns to slap him hard on the bottom with her cane for such a ridiculous lie.

Immediately after the ceremony, husband and wife had scurried out of the church (just in case any of them were thinking what that huge reward would look like in their collection plate,) and were surprised to watch the rain stop, the clouds clear and the sun come out immediately as they exited. They ran deep into the forest, neither one stopping until they reached the tiny house they’d hidden in the trees. Once they arrived, however, they discovered the sudden storm had blown a tree limb into the roof that Guy had built, creating an enormous hole and allowing a huge downpour to drench their marriage bed. They certainly wouldn’t be consummating their marriage there that night.

Guy tossed the spatula down. Despite it all, it still hadn’t gone half as bad as the last time he tried to get married...

“Is my surprise ready yet?” Meg called from outside the tiny house she and Guy had built.
“Yeah!” He called back, before lowering his voice. “It’s going to be a surprise alright...”

Taking the cake topper he’d found - a pawn from an old chess set - he sat it down in the center of his creation, watching in horror as it sunk down and was engulfed by icing and crumbs. He groaned again, and plodded outside where his new bride was waiting.

“I made us a wedding cake. Surprise.” He announced, trying to force himself to sound excited.

Meg laughed at the sight of it.

“Did you sit on it?” She asked, chuckling, causing Guy to hang his head. “I’m kidding! Honestly!”
“It’s not pretty.” He moaned, sitting down beside her.
“Where it’s going, pretty doesn’t matter much, Guy.” Meg said, smiling, and taking the cake. “And look! We won’t even need a knife to cut it!”

Scooping a bit of the cake with her hand, she fed a small bite to her husband. Guy chewed cautiously for a moment, but realizing that it thankfully didn’t taste even half as bad as it looked, he smiled and nodded before feeding Meg a piece.

“I’m no good at this domestic stuff, Meg." He said, sighing defeatedly as he chewed. “The roof I built might fall in on us completely this Winter, the oven apparently doesn’t work, I clearly cannot cook anything and I nearly broke a rib chasing that blasted chicken yesterday...”
“Yeah, you did, didn’t you.” Meg whispered, smirking.
“Nothing has quite worked out today. I couldn’t even give you a proper ring.”
“Oh come on, Guy! How many men can think to make their wife a ring by cutting out the center of a gold coin and tapping it with a spoon to shape it! I think that was brilliant.”

Guy shrugged.

“I did have fun stabbing Prince John’s likeness repeatedly with my knife to carve it out.” He said, smirking.
“See! You’re doing fine, Guy. Really!” Meg said. “And you’ve gone two whole months without killing anything.”
“Nope.” Guy said, shaking his head. “Not even that damned chicken.”
“That was an evil chicken, Guy.”
“It shit on my head after I fell! And I swear it laughed at me.” He said. “My hand to god.”
“On the bright side, at least it forced you to wash your hair.” Meg said, laughing and fiddling with Guy’s ponytail. “It’s so much nicer when it’s not greasy and matted together.”
“And no more lice.”
“God yes.” Meg said, absentmindedly scratching her head.

Guy chuckled, nodding. He then scooped up another bite of his crumbly cake in his hand and fed it to Meg.

“I just... I wanted so much to surprise you on our wedding day, Meg. You deserve far more than this...”
“You don’t have to surprise me, or give me anything. I already have all that I want.” She told him, smiling, as she licked the icing off her lips.
“You do?” Asked Guy, raising an eyebrow.
“I have you.” She said, staring at him lovingly. “I quite like you, you know?”
“Good. After all, ‘until death do you part’ can be a very, very long time...” He said, smirking.

Reaching over, Meg pulled Guy into a passionate kiss. It was a kiss that was not unlike the kiss at their wedding earlier that day; a kiss that had involved tongues, inappropriate touching, three nuns fainting, two monks cheering and the priest telling them to “get a room.”

“Not if that chicken comes back, Guy.” She whispered, giggling, as she broke briefly from the kiss.
jadey36: (Default)

[personal profile] jadey36 2013-06-21 08:49 am (UTC)(link)
Ha, ha! poor Guy. Everything he touches is a disaster.
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-21 01:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh god. You people. You're going to suck me in...ish. Every time I complain about Guy/Meg, somebody writes something full of beautiful crack-fluff. (Or full of Allan.)

Thanks for a much needed laugh. Ever so much better than the last wedding. Fine ring. Evil chicken.

The lice part did make itch involuntarily. It's been 25 years, but it's something you never forget. I'm surprised they didn't cut their hair short, but then again, they're probably pretty used to that level of annoyance.

Guy does kind of typify the chaos muppet. One might wish him on one's worst enemy, if he weren't so damn pretty.
verjulesia: (GoG snerky sexy)

[personal profile] verjulesia 2013-06-24 03:06 am (UTC)(link)
I loved every word of this. I said it before, no one does brilliant crack like you, bb.