shinysparks: (Behind You!)
shinysparks ([personal profile] shinysparks) wrote in [community profile] bbc_robinhood2013-06-24 03:15 am

Fic: Spelunking!

Title: Spelunking!
Author: [personal profile] shinysparks
Prompt: #5; bonus
Rating: R (profanity, nudity, general strangeness)
Character/s: Robin, Archer, Guy, Tuck
Summary: Guy, Robin and Archer take a detour on the way back from York and end up spelunking in a cave. Hilarity ensues.
Warnings: Crack!
Word Count: 2,372
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of this, I just torment the characters for cheap laughs, bla-di-bla-di-bla... Also, if my future therapist is reading this fic, I am not crazy. No, really. ;)
Author's Notes: Thanks to the lovely [personal profile] thymelady for betaing this crazy thing! <3 Started out as a Hobbit crossover, but went insane from there. ;) Also, the lice thing has turned into a running joke in my last three fics. Sorry! ;)


“Admit it,” Growled Guy, as he stared at the seemingly endless underground passage in front of him. “You’ve gotten us lost.”
“No, no...” Archer said, shaking his head. He then took a brief look around. “Okay, maybe.”
’Oh, it’s a short cut,’ you said.” Ranted Guy, raising his voice several octaves. “’I’ll get us back to Nottingham in no time at all!’ you said.”
“Okay, first of all, I do not sound like that. My voice is very manly and sexy, I’ll have you know.” Archer protested, turning and pointing his finger at his eldest brother. “And secondly, this is a short cut. Enter the cave, follow it to the fork, take a left and voila! Nottingham.”
“You said to take a right!” Robin yelled.
“Oh... I did?”
“YES!” Both Guy and Robin screamed.
“Hmm... maybe I meant my other right. I don’t know. It’s probably not important, anyway.”
“Not important?” Guy said, fuming, “We have no idea where this tunnel will even come out, if it comes out at all! What if our torches go out?! What if we’re trapped down here?!”
“For the second time in my life, I have to agree with Gisborne.” Said Robin. “What if this tunnel takes us right back to York? They’re not exactly fond of us there, Archer.”
“Speak for yourself, my brothers.” Archer smirked. “The Sheriff’s wife just LOVED me!”

Robin had to hold Guy back.

“We nearly DIED rescuing you.” Guy growled, his teeth gritted as he held tightly onto the hilt of his sword.
“Yes, you rescued me from very hot sex. Thanks so much for that.”
“You ungrateful brat!" Guy spat.
“Brat? Is that the best you can do, Gizzy-poo?" Archer said, grinning. “Pfft. I thought you were this scary, scary bad man...”
Nique ta mère!" Guy then shrieked, waving his torch at Archer with one arm and trying to pull his sword out with the other.
“She's your mother, too, dumbass." Archer replied, snorting.
“ARRRRRGH!!!” Screamed Guy, as he thrust his torch back and forth furiously.

Archer took a few steps back.

“Whoa... someone needs a little anger management.” Archer laughed.
“Might want to go scout ahead, Archer.” Robin muttered, still struggling to hold Guy back. “I can barely hold him and the last time I insulted his mother, he jumped clear out of his saddle and knocked me off my horse.”

Archer ignored him.

“Is it healthy for the vein in his forehead to be throbbing like that?”
“ARCHER!”
“Right, scouting ahead.” Said Archer. “If you never hear from me again...”
“GO!”

Archer turned and plodded ahead, leaving Guy and Robin behind in the cave.

“R-Robin?”
“Yes, Gisborne?” Asked Robin, finally letting go of Guy.
“Why did we do this again?” He asked. “You know, save him?”
“Because he’s our brother.” Robin replied. “And because we love him.”

Guy immediately stuck his hand to Robin’s forehead.

“No, no fever.” He said. “Perhaps you’re just suffering from a temporary insanity.”
“He’s your brother - you’re required to love him.”

Guy snorted derisively, rolling his eyes.

“Honestly, Robin, the only reason my sword is not sticking out of his chest cavity right now is because I owe it to my mother for all those times she cleaned up after I wet the bed.”

Robin smirked.

“So Isabella was telling the truth... you did pee the bed.”
“Oh please, it’s not like you didn’t wet the bed yourself, Bobbin.”
“But not until I was twelve, Guyliner.”

Guy growled at him.

“Let me re-phrase that: the only reason my sword and my dagger are not both sticking out of your chest cavities is because I owe it to my mother.” He spat. “This cave would be a great place to stash a couple of bodies, after all.”

Robin laughed.

“Do you do that everywhere you go, Gisborne?”
“What?”
“Look at places and go ‘hey, that would be a great place to stash a body!’”

Guy scoffed.

“Occupational hazard, Robin.” He replied, “I did work for the Sheriff, if you recall...”

“Hey, I see a light up ahead!” They heard Archer yell, his voice echoing a bit. “And there’s a bunch of strange runes down here, too.”

“They better spell ’EXIT’ or I’m going to put your head on a pike!” Guy yelled back, he then gazed over at Robin, who was eyeing him reproachfully. “What? Old habits die hard.”

“WHOA, THERE’S STATUES DOWN HERE AND EVERYTHING BUT UNFORTUNATELY NONE OF THEM ARE NUDE.”
“THEN THERE’S NO REASON TO COME DOWN THERE!” Guy yelled back.
“SO I GUESS I CAN KEEP ALL THIS GOLD FOR MYSELF, THEN!”

Guy blinked.

“Did he say... gold? Asked Robin.

They stared at each other for a moment before taking off, jogging ahead to catch Archer. Not far from where they’d been standing, the cave path turned into stone steps carved out of the rock, and the sides of the walls were decorated in strange runes that were inscribed from floor to ceiling. The farther they descended, the lighter the cave path seemed to get - the strange green colored walls seemed to twinkle strangely, almost glowing in the dark. Eventually, they reached a rocky ledge decorated with small statues of bearded creatures with hammers and axes; they found Archer there, leaning against one of the statues and staring out into the enormous cavern in front of him. All it took was one look, and their mouths practically dropped to their ankles.

There was indeed gold, and it was everywhere. Spread out before them in the huge cavern were with piles and piles of gold coins, gold bars, gold statues and jewels of every kind imaginable - it was like a sea of gold, glittering in the strange green light - and seemingly endless, as far as the eye could see. They all stood there in stunned silence - it was more riches than any of them had ever seen before in their lives.

“I SHALL NAME THEE EREBOR!” Yelled Archer, finally breaking the silence.
“Erebor?”
“What kind of stupid name is that?” Guy asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” Answered Archer. “It’s what those runes over there look like.”
Robin squinted at the runes on the wall across from him. “Looks like ‘elbow’ to me.”
“Elbow?! Where are you getting elbow?”
“See that rune? It looks like a ‘w’ to me.”
“I think you’re eyesight is going, brother. Besides, we can’t call this place ‘Elbow!’”
“My eyesight is perfect, thank you very much.” Robin huffed.
“Is not.” Archer smirked.
“Is, too!”
“Is not.”
“Is, too!”
“Is - WHOA!”

With a sudden push, Guy sent Archer flying off the rock ledge, flailing wildly as he fell into a huge pile of gold. After a few moments, he came up for air, cheered a bit and threw up gold coins before attempting to swim around. Guy watched him for a moment, shaking his head, before he turned and smiled evilly at Robin.

“Say, ‘thank you, Gisborne.’” He said, winking.
“Thank you, Gisborne.” Replied Robin, grudgingly.

Guy sighed contentedly, then turned to stare at the vast horde of gold coins, jewels and other riches spread out in front of him.

“This... this is more gold than we’ll need in a lifetime - more than any King in the world has, more than the Pope, even! What do we do with this? Where do we even begin, Robin?” Guy asked.
“I don’t know, but I do know one thing...” Robin said, cracking a grin “...the poor will be getting one hell of a bonus on the next delivery...”

***

THE NEXT MORNING...

Robin groaned as he wriggled around in bed, slowly opening his eyes and gazing out of a nearby window

“Tuck?” He said upon seeing the priest.
“Praise God, you’re awake.” Replied Tuck, as he walked over and sat down next to Robin’s bed.
“What happened? The last thing I remember was being in that cave.”
“You were. On our long run back to Nottingham, we found the three of you sprawled out on the ground outside of a cave either passed out or delirious.”
“But... how?”
“Bad air, most likely. It can happen deep down in caves, you know. There’s no odor, so you’re not even aware of it at all. I’ve heard it can make one feel really good, and cause very powerful hallucinations that one tries to... ahem... act out.”

Robin paused for a moment, letting it all sink in.

“I didn’t try to... act anything out, did I?” He asked, worriedly.
“No, no, not at all. In fact, you were the best behaved out of the three.” Tuck assured Robin. “Which, of course, makes me wonder about the potency and oddities of Gisborne blood...”

Robin cracked a grin.

“They misbehave?”

Tuck’s eyes grew wide, and he nodded furiously.

“We had to tie your brother to the bed, for he kept trying to strip off all his clothes and run around naked screaming ‘I’m sexy! I’m sexy!’” Explained Tuck.
“What about Gisborne?”
“Eh... he’s... well...” Said Tuck, turning around to look at Guy, who looked a bit worse for wear and was lying on a nearby bed, playing with his fingers.

“Look! I’m crushing your head, silly priest!” Guy exclaimed, his left eye twitching rapidly, as he pinched the air in front of him with his fingers. He then moved them over slightly, and pinched again. “Now I’m crushing your head, Robin! HAHAHAHAHA!”

“...Clearly on the mend, it seems.” Said Tuck, nodding. “This is a vast improvement, I assure you. He went through a bit of a ‘touchy-feely, lovey-dovey’ stage before this. John may never quite be the same again...”
“Is that the reason Gisborne has a black eye and a busted lip?”
“Oh yeah.”
“What about the gold?” Asked Robin. “The gold we brought up?”

Tuck sighed.

“That wasn’t exactly gold, Robin.” The priest said, patting Robin on the shoulder. “To put it simply, it was bat shit. Loads upon loads of bat shit. Speaking of which, the three of you should definitely take a bath once you’re up to it...”

***

THE NEXT EVENING (EPILOGUE.)

“Oi! Gisborne!" Robin yelled as he jogged over to the fence where Guy was standing and calmly chewing on a shiny red apple. He then sniffed the air. “Wow. You smell better.”
“Thankfully, Kate found a bar of lemongrass-scented soap, since unfortunately, someone had to hog all the flower petals.” Responded Guy, narrowing his eyes at Robin and cracking a lop-sided grin. “Oh, by the way: how’s the lice, lavender boy?”

Robin leered at him.

“Sarcasm. Well, that answers my first question. You’re clearly feeling better."
“Eye’s still a little sore, but... I’ll live.” He replied, mouth full of fruit. “At least it’s better than the last time John hit me.”
“The last time?”
“Quarterstaff to the privates, when I was still... you know, the bad guy?” Guy said. He took another bite of apple. “Lefty shriveled up on me afterward; took a whole month and fortnight for it to drop back down.”

Robin’s eyes went wide, and he buried his face in his hand.

“Um, Gisborne?”
“Yes, Robin?”
“Do you remember that chat we had about ‘too much information?’
“How could I forget? ’No more discussing the finer points of what happens to a corpse after they die during supper, Gisborne!’” He replied, trying to do his best impression of Robin. “’And god forbid you ever tell the dysentery story again!’”
“I do not sound like that. But yes.” He said. “Add Lefty and shriveling to that list, alright?”
“Fine.” Guy grumbled.

Robin sighed.

“Listen, have you seen Archer?”
“Yep.” Said Guy, taking another bite of apple.
“And where did you see him?” Robin asked again, crossing his arms.

Guy nodded his head in the direction of an enormous old apple tree not far from him. Robin studied the tree carefully for a moment, before he caught sight of Archer. He’d been stripped completely naked, gagged and hog-tied; and had been strung up in the tree by his hands and feet and left swinging back and forth in the evening breeze. Robin turned back towards Guy, who was chuckling evilly.

“MMMROOOOB!!!” Archer grunted through his gag, his eyes full of tears.

“Gisborne, did you...?” Robin asked him, his mouth wide open.

Guy nodded in earnest, smirking, his eyes full of pride.

“You... you can’t do that! He’s our brother!”

Guy scoffed.

“Admit it, Robin: you’ve been wanting to do this yourself ever since York. He’s an annoying little git and far more trouble than he’s worth. Locksley arrogance, Gisborne rage... bad mix, that. Really, we should just leave him here, walk away and go back to hating each other like God intended.”

“RRRMMMMMMGGGH!!!” Archer moaned.

“All that stuff you said in the cave about owing it to your mother! You are completely full of it, Gisborne!” Yelled Robin, angrily.

“I said I could not kill him because I owed it to my mother. I said nothing about stripping him nude, hog-tying him, gagging him, dangling him from a tree and then tying a weight around his... right. Never mind.” Guy said, smirking. “Let’s just say brotherly love forced me to use a small rock instead of that old anvil I found out in the derelict barn...”

As Guy’s words sunk in, Robin’s eyes grew wide again, and he immediately turned and stared at Archer’s lower half. He caught sight of a small stone that was attached to a thin rope, and the rope was attached to...

“GISBORNE! That’s... that’s...” Robin stammered, realizing which particular appendage Guy had tied the rope around.
“Disturbing? Demented? More than just a little painful?” Guy said, smirking.

Robin stared at him, his mouth wide open in both shock and horror. He tried desperately to say something, but no words would come out at all.

“What? You didn’t think the Sheriff kept me around just because I’m pretty, did you?” Guy said, grinning from ear to ear as he walked off...
melsheartsthings: (Default)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-24 08:24 am (UTC)(link)
This is good crack.
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-24 02:04 pm (UTC)(link)
To confirm mel's assessment:

DAMN good crack.

I loved all of it, but my favorite bit is the heartwarming revelation about Robin helping Guy improve his social skills. Baby steps...

I might draw some inspiration from (all of) this for some of my not-crack-but-very-AU stories. I don't have Archer in them and I don't know if I will, since they veer into AU territory before S3. Hmmm. I ponder.

I would love see how Isabella interacts with the crew. Or is she dead? I feel bad if the women have to stay dead rather than joining the fun.
Edited 2013-06-24 14:05 (UTC)
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-24 08:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Wait...I just remembered Isabella is alive. And that this: "Locksley arrogance, Gisborne rage... bad mix, that." could be a description of Robin's future kids. Excellent...
jadey36: (Default)

[personal profile] jadey36 2013-06-24 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL! I love it when you write Guy, Archer and Robin together.
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-24 08:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Also, now I want Archer and Thorin commiserating over their getting-lost abilities.
melsheartsthings: (One of the lads)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-25 02:15 am (UTC)(link)
This! So much this! And Meanwhile Robin and Kili are comparing their mad archery skillz. And Fili's off talking to idk, somebody, maybe Guy... while Lady Dis and Maz and Djaq compare notes about being the token women... Or something... Idek..
melsheartsthings: (Default)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-25 03:01 am (UTC)(link)
Yes! Although if it evolves into the whole gang going, or at Will, Allan and Much tagging along because Will's not gonna let Djaq go so far away on her own, Allan's being forced to by Guy because that's just how Guy treats him and Much goes wherever Robin does, the girls are gonna need a few more numbers... Maybe Meg, and Kate and Isabella?
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-25 11:50 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe Meg, and Kate and Isabella

Hell yes.
Although if you start, why not keep going? Throw in Matilda and Beatrice and Eleri and the fake abess and... (Maybe the Queen, if you're really adventurous!)

There could be multiple teams...

And now I am thinking of some reality show where they have to keep trying to earn points for Team Castle, Team Forest, Team Locksley, etc.
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-25 11:47 am (UTC)(link)
"Do you know what my name means? It means LADY. My Creator didn't try at all!"

"Shutup, Dis, at least you GOT a name!" - Aaaaall the other Dwarf women.

melsheartsthings: (Default)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-25 12:50 am (UTC)(link)
To clarify my previous comment: this is some of the best RH crack I've ever read. Archer and Guy and Robin are incredibly funny together and this is awesome.
melsheartsthings: (One of the lads)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-25 02:09 am (UTC)(link)
Crack fics are good. I have a feeling the Locksley-Gisbourne lad will be featured in my response to this week's prompt too, as are Will and Djaq, my adorable OTP babies. Although if Archer tries to seduce Djaq, i have a feeling Robin and Guy might have to intervene to save Archer's life... Again. Yup, i'm going an S3 AU route. But as you said, the show's pretty much AU in and of itself.
Edited 2013-06-25 02:16 (UTC)
melsheartsthings: (Default)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-06-25 02:54 am (UTC)(link)
YES DO IT! *cheers you on* :D I could certainly do with more Archer fics. ;) AND YAY WILL/DJAQ! I ship them (even if I do move around and write different ships. I don't know if I have an OTP anymore, actually! LOL!)


Thank you for the cheerleading. I might need you to do a quick Archer-beta for me, before I submit it, if you wouldn't mind? Like, just make sure I've written him well, it's been ages since I saw his episodes, in all honesty.

And, 'YAY WILL/DJAQ' is always a nice thing to hear. And really, they're my only real OTP in the fandom that is for actual character chemistry reasons, if I'm honest. Robs/Maz, for me, is more because that's the route the popular legends go and so it's ingrained in the culture of a fair part of the Western World that I can't help but ship it in all it's incarnations. Just because it's my Legendary!OTP and I have to ship it bc legends!reasons.


Nothing wrong with AU! The show was pretty much history AU and filled with so many anachronisms that the crack practically writes itself. I figure anything goes, myself. Stretch the rules - it's fun that way. ;)

Yup, nothing wrong with AU. And yeah, the show was basically a History AU and so chock full of anachronisms that 'anthing goes' is pretty much a valid way to write fic in this fandom.
Edited 2013-06-25 02:58 (UTC)
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-06-25 11:56 am (UTC)(link)
Multishipping FTW!

I ship a lot of canon people, (in OT3s and '4s, too, why not?) but I'm also prone to dragging in OCs. Especially guys Marian can marry who will conveniently (or inconveniently) die, helping her get out of the category of "women who are or will be married and therefore belong to their husbands or fathers."