shinysparks: (Behind You!)
shinysparks ([personal profile] shinysparks) wrote in [community profile] bbc_robinhood2013-07-08 01:01 am

Fic: Mishaps

Title: Mishaps
Author: [personal profile] shinysparks
Prompt: #07; tide
Rating: PG-13 (nudity, naughty French phrases)
Character/s: Guy, Meg
Pairing/s: Guy/Meg
Summary: Sequel to Tough. Guy and Meg decide to run away to France together
Warnings: Crack!fluff; Also, AU - Meg doesn't die, Guy doesn't join the gang.
Word Count: 1,432
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of this, I just torment the characters for cheap laughs, bla-di-bla-di-bla...
Author's note: Thanks to the lovely [personal profile] thymelady for betaing this! <3

“Take off your pants, Guy.” Meg ordered, looking quite flustered as Guy stared at her, raising an eyebrow.
“I could’ve sworn you said something like that before.” He said, chucking another bucketful of water out of their tiny, ever-sinking boat. “Talk about deja vu.”
“I’m serious!” She said. “I need more material to fix the sail! Unless you want to drown before we reach the coast of France!”
“You already have my shirt.”
“Yes, and I’ve used my dress and part of my shift, but it’s still not enough! The sail needs to be bigger, and your pants are all we have left!”

Guy sighed, still bailing water as the tide pushed against them.

“You just want to get me naked.”
“Of course I do, sweetie.” Meg replied, smiling. “But I also want to live long enough to enjoy it. So... strip.”
“And what if I’m not wearing any underwear?” Guy asked.
“Oh please, Guy. You’ve been wearing underwear ever since that unfortunate butt wound a few months ago because you’re just so self-conscious now.” Meg replied, before pointing at his thigh. “Besides, you can see the panty line right there.”

Groaning loudly, Guy tossed the bucket down before he quickly unbuckled his belt, kicked off his heavy boots and pulled off his tight brown pants.

“I wouldn’t need underwear if it wasn’t for that annoying scar your ’embroidery’ left behind.” He said, tossing his pants to Meg. “I could still be going commando like God intended.”
“Well, how was I to know that my stitching would scar like it did?!” She protested. “Besides, I think it’s rather cute, you know.”
“Yes, having your name permanently scarred on my arse is just adorable.
“Well, instead of having rings for our wedding, perhaps we can just have matching scars!”

Guy rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m sure the priest will love just that. ‘With this arse scar, I thee wed,’ or something like that.” He said. “On the other hand, that would mean I get to embroider my name onto you, right?”
“I’ve seen your stitches, Guy. You are so not touching me with a needle.”
“Well, we can hardly have matching scars unless I get to do some embroidery of my own.”
“We do have matching scars!” Meg said, scowling. “Clearly, you’ve forgotten about the time you bit me on the thigh!”

Guy crossed his arms.

“Only because you sat on my head.”
“If you remember, I only did that because I was trying to remove the stitches from your bum and you kept squirming!”
“It hurt!”
“Yes, it did! And why did it hurt, Guy? Because you wouldn’t stop picking at them and got them infected!” Meg protested, shaking her finger at him. “How many times did I say, ‘Guy, stop scratching your arse!’ And then, you bit me!”
“I couldn’t breathe!” Guy yelled. “I kept screaming at you to get up off my head because I was about to pass out, but you just ignored me and called me names.”

Meg crossed her arms, staring him down.

“So I bit you.” He said. “To save myself.”
“And scarred me for life!” She yelled, eyeing him very evilly.
“You’ve been around me for how many months now?” He said. “Really, if you’re not already scarred for life, Meg, a tiny little bite mark on your leg is not going to make a difference!”

Meg growled, and pulled up the remains of the white shift she wore.

“Does this look like a tiny little bite mark, Guy?” She spat, pointing at her wound. “You have an appallingly large mouth, you know!”
“Hey, it is almost shaped like a ‘G!’” Guy said, looking quite surprised. “What do you know...”
“ARRRRRGH!” Meg screamed. “I hate men! Remind me again why I’m marrying you?”
“Because I’m pretty?” Guy said, smirking playfully at her.

Meg chuckled, reaching in close and kissing him sweetly on the lips.

“Yep, that’s it.” She said, giggling. “Because you’re pretty.”


“Meg?” Asked Guy, his voice sounding croaky and tired.
“Yes, Guy?”
“You know that conversation we were having on the boat?
“You were supposed to be sewing the sail while we talked.” He said. “We might’ve made it to shore if you had.”
“Oh, don’t you even try to blame this on me, Mr. I-can’t-talk-and-bail-water-at-the-same-time.” Meg spat, “I’m not the only one to blame for this little... mishap.”
“A mishap? That’s what you call having to swim all the way to shore?!”
“Don’t you mean dog-paddle?” Meg said, chuckling, as she paddled her hands in front of her, “WOOFWOOFWOOF!”

Guy groaned, covering his face with his hand.

“Funny. Very, very funny.”
“Oh, come on, Guy! We’ve pretty much accomplished what we’d planned! Here we are, together... lying on a warm, sunny beach... a few pieces of fabric away from being completely and utterly naked.” Meg said, inching closer to Guy and cuddling up to him.
“Which one of us came up with this plan again?”
“You did. Of course, you were feverish at the time,” She replied. “And I was very, very smashed.”

Guy turned and eyed her suspiciously.

“Don’t look at me like that! You’ve never had to deal with yourself when you’ve got a fever! You’d drive a nun to drink, I swear.” She said, before lowering her voice a few octaves, “MEG! MEG! MY ARSE HURTS! MEG! I’M COLD! NOW I’M HOT, MEG! TAKE THE BLANKET OFF OF ME! NO I WANT IT BACK ON! MEG! MEG! I NEED WATER! NO WAIT, I’VE CHANGED MY MIND! ON SECOND THOUGHT, I’LL HAVE THAT WATER! MEG! THE WATER IS TOO WARM! FIND ME COLDER WATER! MEG! MEG! MEG! I’M HUNGRY! FEED ME, MEG! MEG! MY SOUP IS TOO HOT! I WANT YOU TO SING TO ME, MEG! SING! SING NOW!”

Guy growled.

“Honestly, I figured out very quickly why everyone you meet wants to kill you, Guy. Nearly smothered you with a pillow myself a few times.” She said. “Still, it was a rather romantic idea you had there: run off to France, get married, find a nice, warm beach, strip off all of our clothes and do things to each other that would make a priest’s head explode.”
“BOOM!” He said, sighing happily and mimicking an explosion with his fingers. “We got surprisingly close, too. All we lack are a couple of vows and... you know, being in France.”

Meg blinked.

“This isn’t France?” She said. “Are you telling me we swam all the way back to England?!”
“Yeah. I’m pretty certain that the same tree I relieved myself on before we left.” He replied, pointing to a crooked tree not far from the shore. “I’d say the tide probably pushed us back.”

Meg groaned.

“Well, maybe we can make the best of this, Guy.” She said.
“How so?”
“Aren’t you French?”
“Half.” He answered. “French mother, English father.”
“Speak the language?”
Oui” He replied.
“Excellent.” Meg said, grinning from ear to ear. “We can just pretend! Say something naughty to me in French, Guy! And then kiss me with tongues like they do in France!”

Guy stared at her for a moment, watching her bat her eyelashes at him playfully, grinning all the while. He sighed, then smiled.

Embrasse moi.” He said.
“That’s not naughty.” She said, reaching over and kissing him sweetly on the lips. “Try again.”
Je te désire.” He said.
“Better, but still not nearly naughty enough.” She said, shaking her head.
“What about the whole marriage thing, Meg.” He said. “Shouldn’t we... you know... before we... you know?
“I always thought it was just the thought that counts, but if you insist, we can wait on our little fantasy until you build us another raft to take us to France.” She said, matter-of-factly, patting him on the thigh. “I’ll just lay here all hot and half-naked in the sand while you get to work.”

Guy stared at her, slightly shocked, as she reclined on the sandy beach, looking quite satisfied with herself. He then growled in frustration.

J... je veux faire l'amour avec toi!” He stammered, blushing all the while. “Je suis excité!

Meg giggled, grinning from ear to ear before reaching over and pulling him into a passionate kiss involving tongues.

“Here’s to making priest’s heads explode, Guy.” She said, briefly breaking from the kiss.
“BOOM, indeed.” He said, before kissing her back...
jadey36: (Default)

[personal profile] jadey36 2013-07-08 12:09 pm (UTC)(link)
BOOM! I think my head just exploded with all this Guy/Meg loveliness/sauciness/funniness.

So glad you decided to continue their story. Perhaps you could do it with the next prompt, make a series out of it.
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-07-08 07:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Didn't they already get married in "The Cake is a Lie?" but yeah, let the epic adventures continue indefinitely!
lonespark: (Default)

[personal profile] lonespark 2013-07-08 07:30 pm (UTC)(link)
You give good crack, gentlebeing. Yes you do.

“Besides, you can see the panty line right there.”
This is where I died.

And then I kept dying...

“I could still be going commando like God intended.”


“And I was very, very smashed.”

That sounds utterly sensible to me.

And all tongue references involving RA characters make me think of math/accounting jokes. Which...I'm sure could happen in RH, somehow...
melsheartsthings: (Default)

[personal profile] melsheartsthings 2013-07-09 08:13 am (UTC)(link)
Awww, Guy/Meg AUs make me happy...